The Ultimate Funny Twist on Harry Potter
by Moe and Jack
Summary: What happens when the Harry Potter characters get Blackberries? Do an essay on Lord Voldemort? This hilarious twist on the Harry Potter characters makes them act totally different then how they usually would.
1. Chapter 1

_**Number one**_

"Well, I died a few weeks ago, so I should cease to exist. T.T.F.N! Cha!" With that, Dumbledore did cease to exist. The great hall burst into applause as he ceased to exist.  
"What happened here!" cried McGonagall who had just walked into the room. She had just missed Professor Dumbledore ceasing to existing and seeing that he was not at his podium or his chair, she had the rights to be astonished, which she was.  
"Dumbledore just, like, totally ceased to exist, totally. The whole Great Hall is talking about it. Did you get the memo, totally?" Hermione said. Several girls agreed.  
"LOL, Minerva! You are so totally funny, like totally!" Pansy Parkinson laughed.  
"Ah, ya Minerva. You _so _need to catch up on you text messages, like totally. Also, like, you should totally listen to gossip. And by the way, making, like, grand entrances are, like, _so _last season. You should totally check _Fashion Witches Weekly _more often, LOL." Said Professor Trelawney who was filing her nails. Harry glanced over to Ron who, he found, texting on his Blackfamily.

LOL Ron Weasley loves Hermione Ron is me: this is so funy! cant wait for tonite hermione. meet the hogshead.

So love Ron Harry nice too i amHermione: LOL ron! How cod i frget! i am so gona be ther!

Harry pulled out his own Blackfamily and began to text,

Harry+Ginny forever like totally: guys! u are so gona get us in troble!

Ginny+Harry forever like totally: wat did u say harry?

Harry+Ginny forever like totally: nothing….

Luna the star of the show secretly likes Neville: hi! i am so glad to se you! i am having a blast!  
Neville is mad at his grandmother for not giving him bananas in his lunch: You scrtly luv meh? Thxs so much Luna the star of the show secretly likes Neville!  
Luna the star of the show secretly likes Neville!: Luv ya! Cnt wait to go to the H.H!

Harry+Ginny forever like totally: hey, the H.H is ocupied

Dumbledore totally like ceased to exist like ten seconds ago loves tea and cupcakes and bannanas and ballons who he got from Mrs. Longbottom which is a really bad last name: im gona go to the H.H with Mrs. Potter tody.

Harry+Ginny forever like totally: wat? my mommy? Your goin out with mommy? Wat abot daddy? Isint he angry at u? he spankd me whn i ws a witle boy trying to go out with baby Cho.

Ginny+Harry forever like totally: u tryd to go out with baby Cho? Ron sed u wer totally likd me.

LOL Ron Weasley loves Hermione Ron is me:….

Lily evans/potter is annoyed with Dumbledore for annoying her son: DUMBY! IT WAS A SECRET!

James potter who dangles snape upside down: Do'ya really wanna mess with me Dumbledore?

Dumbledore totally like ceased to exist like ten seconds ago loves tea and cupcakes and bannanas and ballons who he got from Mrs. Longbottom which is a really bad last name: Y,yes yes I do

Harry+Ginny forever like totally: Mummy? Dady! U not dead? U have chat room? Help me defeat Voldy!

James potter who dangles snape upside down: Not now Harry. I'm in Conquer AuntMargica to win your mother back

Harry+Ginny forever like totally: Go Dumby!

Trelawney forever: Cheese.

Dumbledore totally like ceased to exist like ten seconds ago loves tea and cupcakes and bannanas and ballons who he got from Mrs. Longbottom which is a really bad last name: wa?

Harry+Ginny forever like totallyL: wa?

LOL Ron Weasley loves Hermione Ron is me: wa?

Luna the, star of the show secretly likes Neville: wa?

So love Ron Harry nice too I am Hermione: wa?

Lily evans/potter is annoyed with Dumbledore for annoying her son: wa?

James potter who dangles snape upside down: Wa?

Neville is mad at his grandmother for not giving him bannanas in his lunch: wa? Tht maks no sens at all. U ar weeeeeeeeeeeeeereed


	2. Chapter 2

_**Number Two**_

Lily sighed and registered on to her computer in her room. She logged on to the secret chat room on .net then she created a username.  
Username: LilyMalfoythedoublecrosser  
Re-type username: LilyMalfoythedoublecrosser  
Password: Jack-Jack  
Re-type password: Jack-Jack.

Welcome LilyMalfoythedoublecrosser appeared on the screen. She went to the Slytherin common room to find Moe and Draco.

-.-.-.-

Moe Snape went to .net  
Username- MoeSnapetheSUPERspy

Re-type username- MoeSnapetheSUPERspy

Password: Snape

Re-type password: Snape

Moe entered the virtual world and found the rest of her friends sitting in the virtual common room on a couch well hidden from everyone else.

**MoeSnapetheSUPERspy: Helo evryon. as u no, we r n need ov a nothr plase to practic defense aganst the dark arts. any sugestons?**

**LilyMalfoythedoublecrosser: We cood do it at the H.H.**

**MoeSnapetheSUPERspy: No, to ovios**

**HarryTheWiz: how bowt the S.S**

**MoeSnapetheSUPERspy: NO. WAY to lowd**

**GinnyTheWiz: Wat bowt the secrt pasage to Hogmead**

**MoeSnapetheSUPERspy: No to ovios. we coodnt practis the dy tht the studns r goin to Hogsmead**

**NevilleTheAngryPuss: Cood we do it at ur hows moe**

**MoeSnapetheSUPERspy: Dad wood no f we wer practsing in the basmnt or tpicly anywer in the hows **

**LunaTheWannaBe: Wat bowt the R.R?**

**RonThePrefect: Wat? u meen the room of req-**

**HermioneThePrefect: Hush ron…umbgirlyvoice has entered**

**Umbgirlyvoice: Hello students.**

**Rontheprefect:…**

**Umbgirlyvoice: What are you talking about?**

**Nevilletheangrypuss: HW**

Umbgirlyvoice: Couldn't you do that in your common room?

**Lilymalfoythedoublecrosser: Moe & I in different house.**

**Jessiethechaser has entered**

**Jessiethechaser: Ready 4 the meting**

**Umbgirlyvoice: What meeting?**

**Jessiethechaser: Wat? Did I menton meting? I men greeting. Srry. Typo **

**Umbgirlyvoice: hmm…**

**Trelawneyforever: U r a horrible, awful, terrible, nasty, atrocious, ghastly, repugnant, horrific, dreadful, appalling, rotten, abysmal, foul, horrid, revolting, offensive, disgusting, nauseating, brutal, wicked, evil, upsetting, grim, grisly, distressing, shocking, upsetting, ugly, distasteful, unacceptable, obnoxious, horrendous, alarming, outrageous, inexcusable, unspeakable, foul, unpleasant, vulgar, uncouth, repulsive, unkind, mean, vile, sickening, ruthless, cruel, heartless, pityless, inhumane, immoral, hurtful, displeasing, painful, worrying, obnoxious, disagreeable, intolerable, undesirable, loathsome, hateful, insufferable, unbearable, detestable, disturbing, disgraceful, shameful, despicable, unforgivable, impolite, hostile, harsh, painful, punishing, merciless, cold-blooded, unfeeling, wretched, worthless, stupid, idiotic, corrupt, agonizing, hateful, unwanted, uninvited, unwelcome, dishonorable, outrageous, scandalous, dislikeable, troubling, disrespectful, horrible, awful, terrible, nasty, atrocious, ghastly, repugnant, horrific, dreadful, appalling, rotten, abysmal, foul, horrid, revolting, offensive, disgusting, nauseating, brutal, wicked, evil, upsetting, grim, grisly, distressing, shocking, upsetting, ugly, distasteful, unacceptable, obnoxious, horrendous, alarming, outrageous, inexcusable, unspeakable, foul, unpleasant, vulgar, uncouth, repulsive, unkind, mean, vile, sickening, ruthless, cruel, heartless, pity less, inhumane, immoral, hurtful, displeasing, painful, worrying, obnoxious, disagreeable, intolerable, undesirable, loathsome, hateful, insufferable, unbearable, detestable, disturbing, disgraceful, shameful, despicable, unforgivable, impolite, hostile, harsh, painful, punishing, merciless, cold-blooded, unfeeling, wretched, worthless, stupid, idiotic, corrupt, agonizing, hateful, unwanted, uninvited, unwelcome, dishonorable, outrageous, horrible, awful, terrible, nasty, atrocious, ghastly, repugnant, horrific, dreadful, appalling, rotten, abysmal, foul, horrid, revolting, offensive, disgusting, nauseating, brutal, wicked, evil, upsetting, grim, grisly, distressing, shocking, upsetting, ugly, distasteful, unacceptable, obnoxious, horrendous, alarming, outrageous, inexcusable, unspeakable, foul, unpleasant, vulgar, uncouth, repulsive, unkind, mean, vile, sickening, ruthless, cruel, heartless, pity less, inhumane, immoral, hurtful, displeasing, painful, worrying, obnoxious, disagreeable, intolerable, undesirable, loathsome, hateful, insufferable, unbearable, detestable, disturbing, disgraceful, shameful, despicable, unforgivable, impolite, hostile, harsh, painful, punishing, merciless, cold-blooded, unfeeling, wretched, worthless, stupid, idiotic, corrupt, agonizing, hateful, unwanted, uninvited, unwelcome, dishonorable, outrageous, horrible, awful, terrible, nasty, atrocious, ghastly, repugnant, horrific, dreadful, appalling, rotten, abysmal, foul, horrid, revolting, offensive, disgusting, nauseating, brutal, wicked, evil, upsetting, grim, grisly, distressing, shocking, upsetting, ugly, distasteful, unacceptable, obnoxious, horrendous, alarming, outrageous, inexcusable, unspeakable, foul, unpleasant, vulgar, uncouth, repulsive, unkind, mean, vile, sickening, ruthless, cruel, heartless, pity less, inhumane, immoral, hurtful, displeasing, painful, worrying, obnoxious, disagreeable, intolerable, undesirable, loathsome, hateful, insufferable, unbearable, detestable, disturbing, disgraceful, shameful, despicable, unforgivable, impolite, hostile, harsh, painful, punishing, merciless, cold-blooded, unfeeling, wretched, worthless, stupid, idiotic, corrupt, agonizing, hateful, unwanted, uninvited, unwelcome, dishonorable, outrageous, horrible, awful, terrible, nasty, atrocious, ghastly, repugnant, horrific, dreadful, appalling, rotten, abysmal, foul, horrid, revolting, offensive, disgusting, nauseating, brutal, wicked, evil, upsetting, grim, grisly, distressing, shocking, upsetting, ugly, distasteful, unacceptable, obnoxious, horrendous, alarming, outrageous, inexcusable, unspeakable, foul, unpleasant, vulgar, uncouth, repulsive, unkind, mean, vile, sickening, ruthless, cruel, heartless, pity less, inhumane, immoral, hurtful, displeasing, painful, worrying, obnoxious, disagreeable, intolerable, undesirable, loathsome, hateful, insufferable, unbearable, detestable, disturbing, disgraceful, shameful, despicable, unforgivable, impolite, hostile, harsh, painful, punishing, merciless, cold-blooded, unfeeling, wretched, worthless, stupid, idiotic, corrupt, agonizing, hateful, unwanted, uninvited, unwelcome, dishonorable, outrageous, horrible, awful, terrible, nasty, atrocious, ghastly, repugnant, horrific, dreadful, appalling, rotten, abysmal, foul, horrid, revolting, offensive, disgusting, nauseating, brutal, wicked, evil, upsetting, grim, grisly, distressing, shocking, upsetting, ugly, distasteful, unacceptable, obnoxious, horrendous, alarming, outrageous, inexcusable, unspeakable, foul, unpleasant, vulgar, uncouth, repulsive, unkind, mean, vile, sickening, ruthless, cruel, heartless, pity less, inhumane, immoral, hurtful, displeasing, painful, worrying, obnoxious, disagreeable, intolerable, undesirable, loathsome, hateful, insufferable, unbearable, detestable, disturbing, disgraceful, shameful, despicable, unforgivable, impolite, hostile, harsh, painful, punishing, merciless, cold-blooded, unfeeling, wretched, worthless, stupid, idiotic, corrupt, agonizing, hateful, unwanted, uninvited, unwelcome, dishonorable, outrageous toad-toad-like creature I have ever had the unluckiness to meet! Not to mention the worst of all, a mud blood who pretends to be pure! You should be ashamed of yourself madam! I'm ashamed for you! !**

**Umbgirlyvoice: Do you want to keep your job?**

**Trelawnyforever: Not at all, nope, uh-huh, no way, not at all, certainly not, absouloutly not, definitely not no**

**!: Dolores? I have a staff meeting in chat room 1, on ! **

**Umbygirlyvoice: What was that again **_Professer_**?**

**!: ****DOLOROS ****UMBRIDGE! ****I agree with Trelawney. Staffchat. Now.**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Number Three**_

One day, Ron and Harry were sitting at the Great hall table for breakfast, groggy eyed because at 4:00 that morning, there was a weird sort of screaming noise coming from the girls dormitory. It had kept them from falling asleep for the rest of the morning. Ron and Harry automatically assumed that it was Hermione with some so called "great news". Not surprisingly, a second later, Hermione came bursting into the room with an exited look on her face.

"OMG! OMG! OMG!" She screamed, running over to the pair.

"What? What? What?" Said Harry, pretending to be exited.

"Isn't it obvious? We have our OMG's today." Said Hermione matter-of- factly.

"Well, no." said Ron. "What are the OMG's?"

"OMG! You don't know? It stands for Ordinary Muggle Gum. OMG. It's a test."

"W-what? We have a test coming up? But I-I didn't study!"

"No you idiots! You put a piece of ordinary muggle gum in your mouth and you simply blow a bubble and it says your grade." Hermione said.

"Well, that's a stupid system." Ron said, sighing a sigh of relief.

"Don't say it! You might disturb the gum!" She yelled, looking around wildly, as if the gum might overhear them.

"Well, _sorry_." Said Ron. "Are we taking them with Umbridge?"

"Yeah! Isn't it great! She'll be gone at the ministry although she's not really at the ministry and she's secretly getting manicures and pedicures and she gets paid even though she's not teaching us or doing her job at the ministry and she sometimes takes McGonagall with her to get her toenails and nails done and then they go to the hair salon and the fancy muggle restaurant and eat the most gourmet and expensive meals and they use it all one Dumbledore's credit card which is really mean and then after they eat they go to pick up Trelawney from her water ballet class and then they all go to get their nails and toenails done again and then they go hair salon and get their hair done again and then they go to the fancy muggle restaurant again and eat the most gourmet and expensive meals again and then they go back to Hogwarts and Umbridge and Trelawney and McGonagall play this fake I will fire you and pretend I hate you act and then they all pretend to hate each other and then after the large crowd of people who came to watch leave, they go and get their nails and toenails done again and then they go to a hair salon and get their hair done again and then they go to these fancy muggle restaurants and get the most gourmet and expensive meals and they use Snape's credit card this time instead of Dumbledore's and then they go to get coffee after a hard day's work and use Snape's card and use the stickers to earn a cupcakes for each of them and then they stuff themselves with doughnuts at the doughnut store right across the street from the coffee shop and use Ferenz's credit card instead of using Dumbledore's or Snape's and then after that they go to McGonagall's gymnastics class together and they learn how to do a back bend flip over and then they go to Umbridge's singing class which they all really need because neither of them are very good singers and then they all go to another one of Trelawney's water ballet classes and then they all go to a sleepover at McGonagall's home away from home and my point is that Umbridge won't be here to witness our O.M.G's." Hermione said very _very, __very__**, very VERY**_ fast.

"How do you know all this?" Asked Ron. He winced after he said it.

"Well, I heard it from Ginny who heard it from Luna who heard it from Fred who heard it from George who heard it from Lavender who heard it from Parvati who heard it Padme who heard it from Pansy who heard it from Draco who heard it from Seamus who heard it from Dean who heard it from Neville who heard it from Ernie who heard it from Crabbe who heard it from Goyle who heard it from Terry who heard it from Penelope who heard it from Percy who heard it from Bill who heard it from Charlie who heard it from and don't ask me how but he heard it from Cho who heard it from a pack of wild moose who heard it from Hedwig who heard it from Cedric's ghost who heard it from Lily's ghost who heard it from James' ghost who heard it from a pack of angry Chimpanzees who heard it from Lily who heard it from Jessie who heard it from Brooke who heard it from Shawn who heard it from Tonks who heard it from Mr. Weasley who heard it from Mrs. Weasley who heard it from Mrs. Malfoy who heard it from Mr. Malfoy who heard it from a pack of angry Yeti who heard it from Mr. Parkinson who heard it from Mrs. Parkinson who heard it from Mcnair who heard it from Dumbledore who, by the way started that whole gossip line of how Filch was getting married to Mrs. Norris and who started all of the other gossip chains, who heard it from Jack who heard it from Moe who heard it from Snape who went to the underground passageway underneath the Statue in the Great Hall which lead to the secret passage way behind the portrait of the dancing troll which lead to the secret passage way behind the portrait of Fluffy which lead to the passage way in the fancy muggle restaurant and heard it from Umbridge herself!"

"Sorry I asked." Ron said.

"Boy does she talk a lot." Harry agreed.

"Oh, shut up you two." She snapped.

"Touchy." Ron murmured to Harry.

"Look, here comes Fred and George. I wonder what they're doing here." Hermione said, changing the subject.

"Okay, fifth years follow us." George said. "

"Oh, I get it, Fred and George got in trouble and their punishment is to take us to the O.M.G's and sit through us getting our scores." Ron concluded.  
When they reached Umbridge's office (which is where the students took the O.M.G's) they were pulled in by pairs of three's. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were the first group to be picked. When they entered the office, they were surprised to find that her office was quite different. The room was so much bigger and huger than what it used to be, it was almost impossible. The walls were painted a sky blue and her furniture was in a closet which was clearly marked UMBRIDGE'S OLD FURNITURE with several holes in the door where kids had used spells to ruin her old furniture. Her pink chair was replaced by a hanging blue hammock and her white desk was replaced by a wooden desk that was definitely not organized like Umbridge's old desk. The drawers were gone and in their place were bean bags of all different colors (except pink) and different colored lounge chairs (again, except pink). There were also book shelves, but instead of books in the book shelves, there were an assortment of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. On the walls were many pictures of the Weasley twins, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Bill, Charlie, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley ("What about me? I'm their brother!" Ron complained.) Probably the best thing about the revised version of Umbridge's office was the fact that Fred and George let doggie plates loose on her kitty plates.  
Fred waved his wand and the bean bags flew toward them and plopped themselves down in the big empty spot in the middle of the room.

"Alright you three. Take out your gums. And yes Hermione, we teach the OMG's this year." George said before Hermione could even open her mouth.

"No way!" yelled Ron.

"Yes way, little ickle Ronykins." Fred said. The three of them took out their gums.

"ME FIRST! GRANGER COMES BEFORE WEASLEY AND POTTER, SO THEREFORE IT SHOULD BE _**ME**_ WHO GOES FIRST! AND PLUS, HERMIONE COMES BEFORE RON AND HA- oh wait, Harry goes before Hermione, BUT WHATEVER, NO ONE JUDGES THE DICTIONARY BY FIRST NAMES! IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST NAME! LIKE, FOR INSTANTS, IF YOU WERE TO FIND OUT IF THE NAME TWIZZLEERS LICORICE, OH WAIT, THAT'S A BAD EXAMPLE, BUT SPEAKING OF LICORICE, I REALLY LIKE LICORICE. I EXCPECIALY LIKE THE RED KIND AND I DON'T LIKE THE BLACK KIND, BUT I GOT OFF TOPIC. _**I SHOULD GO FIRST ON TAKING OUR O.M.G'S BECAUSE GRANGER COMES BEFORE WEASLEY AND POTTER IN THE DICTIONARY BUT EVEN THOUGH HARRY COMES BEFORE HERMIONE IN THE DICTIONARY, LIKE I SAID, NO ONE JUDGES THE DICTIONARY BY FIRST NAMES, AND PLUS, I HAVE MORE BRAINS THAN BOTH OF YOU AND A WEASEL, **_which I heard are very intelligent,_** COMBINED! I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT NOW! JUST NOW! THAT'S HOW GENIUS WORKS! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I PROBABLY HAVE MORE BRAINS THAN THE WHOLE SCHOOL AND 1,000,000,000, WEASLES WHO HAVE THE BRAINS THE SIZE OF THE EIFFEL TOWER! MY POINT BEING, **__**I NEED TO BE THE FIRST PERSON TO TAKE MY O.M.G'S! !AND I HAVE ONE MORE THING TO SAY, ! **_

Case closed."

"S-ssure." Ron squeaked.

Fred and George had stared at her with a blank look on their faces.

"Bravo! Bravo! Well done! Great job! Encore! Encore!" They shouted. Hermione slapped them.

"Ouch." They said in unison. "Okay, you can go first as long as you don't slap us again."

Hermione gave a smile that looked like it belonged to a 5 year old. With that, she popped her gum into her mouth and began to chew.

"Mmm mmm. Smells like someone used a breath mint before coming to take their O.M.G's. Thank you. You know, I've been in peoples mouths' who smell like a baboon's backside. Well, unfortunately I am here to give you your grades, not chat, so, let's go over the rules and the grades.  
**Rules:**

*You may not text during your O.M.G's. You need to concentrate for your grades to come out the way they're supposed to be.

*You may not have pencils, knives, forks, pens, sharp glasses, fine tip sharpies, broken glass, scissors, sharpened crayons, squared waffles, porcupines, pointy hair, Mohawks, chisels, pumpkin carvers, ducks, or anything that is pointy or could possibly pop me.

*You may not try to pop me yourself.

*Don't talk. You could pop me.

*You are not allowed to talk about me in a gossip manner. It's rude.

*You are not allowed to make comments about my comments when I come out of your mouth. I must admit, some of them aren't exactly nice.

*You cannot try to swallow me.

*Basically, don't harm me and we'll be good.

**Grades:**

O.M.G! = **OH MY GOSH! **(In a good manner)

O= outstanding

M= medium

G= glaugh!

B= baboons backside

I wish you the best of luck on your O.M.G's and that you are upset with your grades. I also wish to remind you that you may not brag about your grades to anyone that would be bullying. Another reminder is that Hoggy is a bully-free zone and bullying is not aloud, blah blah blah, and then I go on for another hour talking about Hoggy is a bully free zone and how it is mean and that there is a difference between muggle bullying and wizard bullying and that difference is that muggles use their words, and wizards use their wands, and the story about this oaf-like kid who blasted this other kid with his wand all in protection of this stupid gigantic spider which is a really weird pet…."

And the gum really did go on for another hour talking and talking until she had finished her speech. She was about to go on for another extremely long speech about another kid, but Ron pulled out a toothpick and threatened to pop her.

"Okay! Okay! I'll give you your grades! Sheesh. Okay, let's see…. B, no, G, no, M, no, O, no, O.M.G, yes! Congratulations, Whiney Stranger! You have gotten the first O.M.G of the past 25 years! Yay!"

Hermione screamed joyfully and accidentally popped the bubble.

"Ooh! You broke three rules! You will be in so much trouble!" Ron said, pointing his finger at her.

"Well, I don't really care because she was mean. Did you hear her call me Whiney Stranger? I'm gonna tell the whole school. Ooh, and I'm gonna brag about my grades to Pansy Parkinson because she thought she could beat me!"

"Gasp! You broke 2 more rules! And her code of conduct!" Ron yelled.

"Well, at least she didn't have any of the sharp objects she mentioned." Harry said. Suddenly, _**all**_ of the objects the gum had mentioned fell out of her pockets.

"Now you've broken every rule except one." Ron said. At that very moment in time, her phone fell out of her pocket.

"_**HERMIONE GRANGER HAS BROKEN ALL OF THE RULES OF THE GUM! HERMIONE GRANGER HAS BROKEN ALL OF THE RULES OF THE GUM! HERMIONE GRANGER HAS BROKEN ALL OF THE RULES OF THE GUM! SHE'S IN BIG TROUBLE!**_" Harry screamed. Fred and George began to clap again.

"Woo hoo! Another rule breaker to add to our rule breaker list!" Fred cheered. Hermione slapped them, again.

"Okay. Harry's turn!" yelled George.

Harry sat down on one of the beanbags and removed another piece of gum from the pack, and popped into his mouth. As soon as he did so, it started to yell,

"_**YOU! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO KILLED MY SISTER! MURDERER! WE'VE GOT A MURDER ON OUR HANDS! HOW DARE YOU! **_Oh wait, gum doesn't have hands, _**OH WELL, YOU STILL MURDERED MY SISTER! COME ON NOW! FIGHT LIKE THE MAN YOU KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T! I AM GOING TO SMASH YOUR FACE LIKE A PUMPKIN CARVED BY A BABY! 'CAUSE YOU ARE A BIG, FAMOUS, STUPID, MURDEROUS BABY!" **_The gum continued this rant for several more hours until Harry finally told it that he was not the one who "murdered" his sister, so then it repeated the rant to Hermione whose face had now lost all trace of color. In the end, they had to pop the bubble. The next gum was way nicer. It calmly went over the rules and then gave out Harry's score.

"And the final score of Harry James Potter's 5th year's O.M.G test hosted by Fred Weasley and his twin George Weasley with Harry's two best friends Ron Billius Weasley and Hermione Jean Granger in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on Hogsmeade Station Road in London in Britain in Europe on planet Earth in the galaxy, on planet Earth in Britain in London on Hogsmeade Station Road in Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry whose headmaster is Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore who lived in Godric's Hollow with Harry James Potter whose score on his 5th year O.M.G test is O.M which means acceptable. Phew."

There was silence in the room as the gum finished its story. Harry broke the silence by starting a slow clap which finally got the whole room clapping, then whistling, then cheering, then screaming, then jumping up and down, then jumping up and down and clapping and whistling and cheering and screaming all at the same time. Unfortunately, while whistling, Harry popped the bubble. This act of unkindness (more like accidentally causing the death of a gum) lead to fighting and yelling and getting angry at each other, until Ron picked up a banjo and banged it against the wall to quiet everyone down. It worked.  
The twins then proceeded to take out another strip of gum. It was now Ron who popped the gum into his mouth.

"Phew! Do you need a mint! Anyway, the score for Ron's test is a B. Which, if you forget, means a baboons backside. In other words, you are considered a stupid failure, and your family should be disgraced and disown you. Have a great rest of your day." The gum said.

"Hooray! It's my best test score ever!" Ron said sarcastically.

And so ends the tale of the golden trio's test scores. And that is all I have to say.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Number Four**_

One day, Moe had a paper due in History of Magic on Dark Wizards. Moe chose her least favorite of all: Lord Voldemort. They were supposed to have a nick-name and 100 things about them or 100 other things. Moe had an idea for both. While the teacher was explaining what they had to do, Moe got out a piece of paper and started to write.

**100 ways to annoy Lord Voldemort.**

**(A.K.A You Know Poo and Lord poopy pants.)**

**By: Moe Snape **

The teacher had finished talking and was letting the students decide what dark wizard they were going to write about. Moe heard many students mutter,

"Lucius Malfoy."

"Fenriar Greyback."

"George Washington." Moe turned in her seat.

"What? How does George Washington have to do with Death Eaters?" She asked.

"I'm scared of Fire Works." Said Ron. Moe frowned and turned back to listen to the other Death Eaters that students would do.

"Bellatrix Lestrange."

"Crabbe."

"Goyle."

"Peeves."

"Carrots."

"Cabbages."

"Harry Potter." Moe sighed and started to work on her homework.

**100 ways to annoy Lord Voldemort.**

**(A.K.A You Know Poo and Lord Poopy Pants.)**

**By: Moe Snape (with help by Harry Potter)**

1. Put a locket around your neck and prance around singing "I'm Marope Gaunt! I'm gonna marry Tom Riddle! I'm gonna be a mother to the greatest evil doer of all time!"

Figure out where he lives and wrap his house in toilet paper. Disparate. Quickly.

Set him up on a blind date with Luna Lovegood.

Get the barber shop to send him a coupon for a free haircut.

Tell him that Harry Potter secretly admires him.

Start singing, "He can fly! He can fly! He can fly!" whenever he comes near you.

Make a poster and draw Elvis hair, a mustache, and a long beard on it. Either that or untidy hair, big round glasses, and a scar and call him Harry Potter.

Punctate everything he says with an echo that mysteriously says "cookie" at the last echo.

Send him pictures of cute puppies. The definite opposite of him. Cute.  
10. Sing "Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Voldy-Voldy-Voldy Voldemort!" whenever he comes by.

**11. Yell "Harry's got more Hoarcruxes than you!"**

12. Make a YouTube video of the time in the fourth book where the connection between the wands made Marope Gaunt come out and starts taunting him.

13. Offer him a job on a shampoo commercial.

14. Whenever he walks by you, trip him and when he falls over act surprised and say "Oh my gosh, you know Poo! Here, let me pull you up by your hair! Oh wait. You don't have any hair. Sorry! You're on your own!" Then disapparate. Fast.

15. Say, "How do I make a Polyjuice Potion out of you, Lord Voldemort? You don't have any hair, and you don't have a nose! Or ears! Man, life must be tough for you! And I am NOT drinking ANYTHING with your toenails in it!"

16. Every time he comes by yell "Man, I can't believe Harry Potter escaped him again! How many times is that now! 1 when he was a baby and Voldy attacked his house, 2 when he tried to steal the Sorcerer's Stone, 3 when he came out of a little girls diary and Harry stabbed him with a Basilisk Fang, 4 when he kidnapped him from the Triwiziard Tortament, 5 when he was in the department of mysteries, 6 when he didn't catch him at Godricks Hollow, and 7 when he failed to fly there fast enough…don't they say that 7 is the most powerful number? Now it makes sense….Well as they say'8th time's a charm"

17. Sing "The Boy Who Lived against The Old Evil Sorcerer who Died! I wonder who will win!"

18. Insult Bellatrix Lestrange in front of him. Mention the funky hair.

19. Invent Harry Potter Fan Day.

20. Say "Harry Potter is so much more powerful, Hermione Granger is so much smarter, and Ron Weasley much better, in general than 16 Voldemorts put together!"

**21. **Yell "Harry wants the million! Harry wants a million!" look up innocently and hold up Voldemort's lottery ticket.

22. Sing "Voldy is Moldy!"

23. Scream "Ahh! There is an ugly, unpleasant, cold, unkind, unfriendly, harsh, terrible, foul, evil, distasteful, horrible, careless, menacing, stinky, wretched, disgusting, worthless, despicable, appalling, unspeakable, revolting, repellant, hideous, repugnant, repulsive, sickening, stomach churning, awful, dreadful, outrageous, offensive, cantankerous, confrontational, irritable, cantankerous, irritable, and petulant, confront able, little mud blood of an inchworm! Oh wait, it's just Lord Voldemort. Never mind!"

24. Scream "Ministry Hog! It was my turn to take over the world! Oh wait, only an idiot would do that!"

25. Make badges that say "Potter rules! Voldy stinks!"

26. List all of his nicknames. Lord Moldywart, Lord Baldymort, You-Know-Poo, Lord Poopy Pants, The king of failure, the worst polyjuice potion, ext.… Get more literal as you go along.

27. Name a day annual "Lord Voldemort Failure Day."

28. Be a Death Eater for Halloween.

29. Make an elevator in his evil lair and when it comes to the floor Voldemort's on, ask if he knows the password. Even if he gets it right, don't let him in and the elevator will take you away.

30. When the next person comes to the elevator, get out and put up a sign that says the exact password Voldemort had said. Make sure that he is there when you do it.

31. When the person enters the elevator and Voldemort says the password, say that there is only room for one person. When another person comes and says the password, let them in.

32. When the elevator comes back down he says the password and there is no one is in the elevator, say he got the password wrong, again. Do this all over again.

33. When he's near you, cover your eyes and scream "it burns! It burns!"

34. Apply for "Top of the chart Death Eater."

35. If Voldemort accepts your offer, say "I changed my mind. You end up killing all of your top Death Eaters."

35. Schedule Voldemort a trip to Walt Disney World. Come with him and make sure that he goes on all the princess rides.

36. If he wants to ride any roller coasters, tell him that only "big boys" can go on those rides.

37. Make sure that he goes to the restaurant that has the belly dancer. Then tell him that when he has a "happy plate" he can go up and dance with her.

38. Make sure that he gets autographs from all the Disney Princess'.

39. Tell him that he has to wear shoes if he wants to come next time.

40. Hold up a sign that says "MUGGLES AND MUDBLOODS IN THE RUNNING FOR THE MINISTER!"

41. Pick up random sticks and yell "Arvada Kedavra! Oh wait, not the Elder wand." Repeat this many times.

42. Take him shopping for earrings for his ears that don't exist. Make sure they're dangly.

43. For his birthday, buy him a wig.

44. Either that or buy him a messy black haired wig, big round glasses, and a fake scar for his birthday.

45. Take him on a roller coaster ride and see if he gets vertigo. If he doesn't, bring a recording of a little girl screaming and close your mouth so it seems that the real sound that Voldemort is making is drowned out by the scream, so it seems that Voldy is screaming.

46. Ask to test your cruciatious curse on him.

47. Bring Hermione up to him and say "Your girlfriend owes my friend an apology."

48. When he asks what girlfriend, clearly state her name (Bellatrix Lestrange) and all the things you hate about her.

49. If he asks why she owes her an apology, you say "Because she did this." Use the cruciatious curse on him. Then disapparate.

50. Tell him that his "little friends" owe your "big friends" an apology too.

51. Invite him to play 'find the Horcrux' with you.

52. When you do find a Horcrux, stab it with a Basilisk fang and say "Click! That was easy!"

53. When Voldemort makes a swarm of Death Eaters, comment that it looks like a group of angry spiders that you happen to know, but willing to do whatever big scary daddy spider wants them to.

54. Start humming the Harry Potter theme.

55. Force him to go see Deathly Hallows Part II with you. Whenever Harry does something good, applaud loudly with the rest of the Order who you brought along with you to go see the happy movie. When he gets mad, offer him popcorn.

56. Tell him that in the branches of the Whomping Willow there is an evil scheme that will actually work for him. Then send him when the moon is full so Lupin can tear him apart.

57. Take him to a dress shop where an attendant will call him and his best bud Lucius ma'am and offer to show them to the dress department.

58. When he's in one of his screaming modes, offer him anything that is sugary or gummy.

59. If he answers yes, taunt him by saying "Uh uh uh! Not until you calm down!"

60. Say, "it's time for a makeover!"  
61. If he actually sits down, get a lot of blush (preferably red colored) and put it on his cheeks, put a lot red eye shadow over his eyes, put on a lot of red lipstick on his lips, put in red contact's so it looks like he has red eyes, put a long red wig on him, and put a long gold dress on and finally, put on velvet red gloves. Ooh, and add a gold purse to! (Red and gold. The Gryffindor house colors.)

62. Send him to a beauty pageant and introduce him as the lovely and kind Lord Beauty-mort.

63. Say "Oh Voldemort, you are powerful and strong and brave and almighty. So when you're mad at your followers, you choose to slap them instead of, oh I don't know, cruccioing them, killing them, or making them do whatever you like them to."

64. Buy him a remembral and teach it to say "Note to self, make an evil plan that actually works for a change."

65. When he's in a particularly bad mood and he needs a moment of silence, start singing "We're off to see the wizard" from the Wizard of Oz, but when they say "Wizard" change it to "Ugly Duckling", even though it doesn't fit.

66. It should sound like this "We're off to see the ugly duckling, the ugliest duckling in the world, because because because because because, because of the stupid things he does!"

67. When he is moving his arms around dramatically, stand behind him and mock him. When he turns around, continue to mock him.

68. Imperious Voldemort to sing all things bright and beautiful.

69. Blow up his evil lair.

70. Say "I know where Harry Potter is!" in a sing song voice and then disapparate. Do this until Voldemort stops following you.

71. Take him to live with the Dursley's.

72. Lock Naguini in the snake exhibit in the zoo.

73. Tell Voldemort that his "pet snake" has to join the headless hunt.

74. Then tell him not to cry.

75. Smack him for everyone that he has killed. It might take a while.

76 Also slap him for everything he did that made you angry or basically anything that makes you angry.  
77. Before he goes off to attempt to kill Harry, say "Ooh! I'll go and make your head stone!" Run off.

78. When he's in the middle of a battle, run back with a rock with the words **LORD VOLDEMORT: THE WORST EVIL DOER OF ALL TIME! PLANS THAT NEVER WORK! KILLED BY A BABY! 1927-1997 (WOW HE'S OLD!)**

**79. **When he's in the middle of attempting to kill Harry, shout "Go Harry! Go Harry!" then look innocently at Voldemort.

**80. **Invite him to play Qudditch and then push him off his broom.

**81. **Tell him that he should get a hair growing kit from Lucius Malfoy.

82. Tell him that he should become a circus clown because he cracks you up so much.

83. Teach him water ballet.

84. Sing "Here he comes, Mr. America!"

85. Say "Are you sure this is going to work?" before he even opens his mouth.

86. Say "We figured out that Snape had a heart. Now let's find out If you have one! The hard way! Hee hee hee!" (Take out a chain saw)

87. Ask "Does your next plan involve crackers? I hope it does cause' I'm hungry."

89. Pick up the Resurrection stone and make Marope Gaunt appear. Have her follow him everywhere trying to 'catch up.'

90. Ask him "Why are you bald? Why do you have no nose? Why did you sacrifice your good looks? Did you ever have a girlfriend at Hogwarts? How ugly was she really? Where is your heart? Can I cut you open to see if it exists?" Continue asking questions until he makes you stop. Then whistle the Harry Potter theme again.

91. Offer to give him a pedicure. Look at his feet and then look away disgusted and say, "Eww! I can't look any more!"

92. Then offer to give him a manicure, and do the same thing.

93. Give him a fake wand and tell him to go have fun and kill Harry Potter.

94. When he goes off to kill Harry Potter, jinx it so that when he tries (but fails) to kill Harry, it actually makes Harry laugh. Disapparate when Voldemort nears you.

95. Tell Voldemort that it's picture day and make bunny ears and antlers on him . Also, change the backgrounds to stuff like puppies, ducks, and the Malfoy Manor with a sign taped to the wall that says MY EVIL LAIR.

96. When he is forced to go to Albania because he tried to kill Harry, call him on his phone and say, "Hi Voldemort! Things seem a lot less evil around here and I've got to say that I kind of like it. (At this point, start telling him lies to tick him off and to try to get him to come back so that you can torment him more.) "Harry is trying to take over the world and Hogwarts has never been better. The rest of the Death Eaters are on vacation in Hawaii. Life has never been better. Bye Baldemort! I mean, Voldemort!

97. While he's gone, make Bellatrix top Death Eater and then schedule him a date at The Deathly Garden.

98. Give him a free membership to Webkinz. Where little kids can be little!

99. Tell him that if he was handsome, he could be married and have _7_ children.

100. Shout rude nicknames at him all day every Wednesday.

WARNING!

The "100 ways to annoy Lord Voldemort" list could cost you your life. In other words, you'll die if you do any of these things. Although, if you already preformed these things, you are probably already dead, which would make this article pointless. So, sayonara hinkypunk!

Moe put down her pencil and peered over her friend Lily's shoulder to see what she had written about.

"I wrote about Feniar Greybeck." She said seeing that Moe was looking at her paper.

"Cool." Moe replied.

"Who did you write about?" Asked Lily.

"Lord Voldemort."

"Sweet!" Lily replied.

A few days later, Moe got her report back saying that she got an O on her paper, which was good news for her.

So ends the tale of Moe Snape and her report on Lord Voldemort. I have a date at 5:00, so sayonara hinkypunk!


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